~ARocco5

I've been feeling real sick lately...

Really, really sick. Not the cold kinda sick, like, the all-over "in-general" kind of sick. My sleeping habits have had a recent turn for the worst, it's been a good while since I've had trouble functioning during the day because I was so tired. But I'm even falling asleep/tired when I'm w/ my friends (who slap me 4 times to no reaction, haha).

I just found out I'm little shafted via Bank of America. I'm down about $200+ due to my blatant stupidity in not monitoring my money correctly. I've done GREAT with it for quite a while, until now. So that's a bit of a downer, but, I'm sure I'll pull through somehow. Haven't gotten the stimulus check actually, THAT'D BE NICE. AHEMMM.

Ugh, anyways.

Well, I finally got the word on my friend's dad. I guess he's just fine, which was a relief. He had a stroke and was in the hospital 4 days and is one some crazy expensive medication, but he's alive and well. I know this is one of the reasons for lack of sleep, so hopefully that'll solve the problem...

But I know it's a bit deeper, and I'm slowly getting to the root of it. I just... look at myself in the mirror and I can see it. I don't look good, at all. I used to admire my eyes in the mirror, and now they're sunken in, don't have the luster/brightness in them anymore and they're usually horribly bloodshot. On top of things, my face just looks sickly. I've lost a lot of weight, and not in the good way. Stress, lack of sleep, and not eating I'm sure have attributed to it. I was topped out at 210 lbs. last winter, and now I'm at 155.

I don't know what's doing this to me, I really have no clue at this point. But everything I tried to point a finger at just doesn't fit. It's something else. My body is gettin' worn out, ad fast...

Uuugh... So I continue to write these. And I've noticed any response is rare if not there at all. And I'm perfectly fine w/ that, I knew it'd happen sooner or later. People would just think "WTF. This dude's impossible. STFU and get up and get over it." (hahaha, exaggeration peeps) And I'm not on here so that people will read this and have the answer to my problems, I write these because it helps me. Every time I write one of these down it not only lets me vent, but it also helps me analyze, understand, and see the situation that I'm in for what it is. No, I'm not saying any of your generosity helps! It DOES! And it's really touching that you guys do that, and I'll thank ya a thousand times. I take all your words to heart. Thank you! But I've come to get used to people not having much more to say, or getting frustrated to absolutely no result from me. It's not a bad/mean thing. I'm freaking tough to get motivated. But I know, that is MYSELF that needs to kick me in the ass and get me going if I want to get out of the ruts I fall in.

Most of the journals I write are either problems, or good things. And yeah, most of the time I come to a point in my life where life sucks, but usually after writing it down, a day or 2 later it's over and done with. But this straight up helps me out by just letting it all out onto "paper". This is essentially a hardcore life-journal for me. You can go back on this thing for almost 2 years, hahaha. I can literally read the shitty/good things and random stuff that I've come on here to throw-up if I wanted. I mean, just go and look at them all, haha. There's ZILLIONS.

But hey, if you're still reading these, that's really cool. If not, well hey, I understand. They're not exactly pick-me-uppers most of the time and they do get VERY repetitive. "Whew... thank God, he's feeling better." *day passes* "WTF, mate..." Hahaha. But mostly, as I said these are for me. And I don't want you to feel inclined to say something if you don't have to. I need to find that drive in myself more than anything. And eventually and hopefully, I will find it. I just don't know when.

Well, I'm off to Erica's house, gotta pick up Jen too. We're planning a Sears camping trip, hahaha. It's funny, I waited almost 2 years to actually find people in that store that weren't scared of the "kid that sits in the dark room and watches us all day". SHE HAS A SIGNED POSTER BY AARON LEWIS THAT I MUST STARE AT AND CARESS CREEPILY!!!

Hahahaha, see ya.

Staind is playing tonight!
AND I DON'T HAVE TICKETS...

Frick!

3DD, Staind and Hinder @ the Comcast. I already missed Aaron Lewis doing his solo thing at Mohegan Sun (well, actually it was 21+ so I was screwed outta that), and now this opportunity is gonna slip through my fingers...

On top of THAT, I owe Brandon $38 bucks for the Seether concert we saw on Sunday. I almost didn't go, but they dragged me over there. Don't regret it, but I WAS slightly disappointed for a few reasons. Sean Morgan just seemed like he wanted to get up there, play, make his $$$, and LEAVE. Don't get me wrong, it was awesome. But their stage presence wasn't there, I didn't connect with them like I did w/ Third Eye Blind. Now THAT band knows how to entertain. We were raving about the 3EB show for weeks, and STILL do.

They didn't even have an ENCORE.
Just packed up immediately.
Gone.

Probably should've used that $38 for Staind. At first NOBODY would go w/ me because "Staind's so mainstream." "Emo" "I'm on the outside, I hate my face." FUCKERS. Don't know many people who like them. So I came THIS close to reserving some nice ones, and opted out of it. Of course THEN my friends turn around and said they'd go with me. Ugh.

At this point, I don't care if I'm in the damn nosebleeds.
I NEED to see this show.
NOWWW!

They're blowin'.
Not so hard at the moment, more of a gentle breeze.
But I feel a strong gust is about to sift through my life.

Had an odd week, stressful at times and awesome. But altogether I've remained rather indifferent, having come to a strange self-understanding after a long conversation inside my head as to why I act as I do, do as I do, etc...

We went up to Boston on Thursday. I had promised Katie a WHILE back that I'd take her shooting. Well, I couldn't get anyone else to go too. Unfortunately, Lavalley's great uncle passed away, so he had a funeral, wake, and then they were going to Cape Cod for the weekend. Everyone else was working... Even Sean has got himself a job now, but it entails him being away Thursday-Sunday. He stays overnight at Block Island being that he works on the ferry. Good money, but I don't see him much anymore. So essentially, the crew is kinda separated at the moment. And everybody's feeling it.

ANYWAYS. Boston.
Boston? DISASTER.
Ugh...

We got up there, after failing to find a parking spot for the longest time. They closed the gates @ my secret spot @ MIT... But eventually we made our way through the Infinite and what-not. Then I got the idea to get my bro to come up on the train, which he did. Of course, anxious to.. I have no idea... brag? He began ranting about his drug shit, which PISSES me off. And I just blew up in his face, telling him it wasn't right... Katie was mortified... And Chris ran off....

End of story. Came CLOSE to calling the police. But Chris had walked back to South Station and called me on my cell. I made him walk ALL the way back (we had spent a decent amount of time searching aimlessly), and by that time, we had none... And had to go home... I was embarrassed. Trip FAILURE. I didn't get so many pictures. Lavalley was nice enough to lend me his Sony. So when he gets back, I snagged a few good ones and I'll put 'em up.

I promised Katie we'd try again. Perhaps we will hit up the Prudential Center and maybe the Aquarium next time. And we will have more mature PEOPLE come along. UGH! Sorry, Katie...

Thankfully, we had band practice.
And a few changes have gone down in that area, actually...
A LOT of changes...

So, as I said. Ben is out... Breezy is now out as well... "Not Quite Saints" is well... not quite dead, being they are doing their own project together. The band split 50/50.

So it's..
Myself - Vocals/Guitar
Brandon - Drums/Guitar
Lavalley - Bass

And our newest edition...
Derek - Lead Guitar

A. Huge. Addition.

Derek's an excellent guitarist, has been in several bands, and knows how it goes. The second he sat down, he ripped it up, and we've fine-tuned what we thought was already awesome so far. I never actually thought he would join, we just invited him to jam and help us out. I asked him jokingly, and he was in! He was impressed with how I have improved, and thinks we've got something good goin' on! A huge boost.

We're gettin' serious.

We had a bit of an "off" night tonight at practice, but managed to squeak out a new rhythm. So Brandon and I decided to go down by the 'Gansett Boardwalk and have ourselves a cigar. In summary, we got into talking on that wall for about 2 hours. The kid is really cool and we've got a lot of common ground come to find out. We talked of everything from politics, to the band/music, to the house that we're getting soon. But we're very confident we're gonna be sick...

Otherwise, I come to find out today that the WPD softball team has been disbanded... due to lack of participation... A HUGE bummer... I've still got the NK team, and we're getting much better, but I've been on that team 3 years now. I'm kinda heated, because my dad made the call to pull us out of the season. But, I guess I've been recruited by some team for the "Showcase Cinemas" and have a game w/ them tomorrow @ 5:30. So eh... we'll see how that works out.

Besides that...
I haven't been sleeping much...
Eh... You see, my ex's dad had a stroke a few days ago...

Now, I've written a lot of shit up in this, good as well as awful... But we have essentially stopped talking since our last little fiasco. I did wish her a happy birthday, and she called to thank me... And I had read her journals and found out about it, but to my own shock, she called me. I think just as she was leaving/waking up to go the airport. I didn't know what to say at first, and was rather irked that she had called me. She called to tell me she was flying back home. And I said, "Yeah, I know." And then she told me her dad had a stroke, and again I said... "Yeah, I know." *silence* "I'm sorry."

I didn't know what to say... I felt she wanted me to say something different, something comforting... I have no idea. But I really was taken off-guard. She told me that "I didn't call to hear that you're sorry." (or something to that effect) "I called to tell you my dad had a stroke, but I didn't know you were still reading my journals." and I replied, "Well, I'm sure we're both aware that we've both been reading each others journals." And at that point she said she had another call... Bye... Click.

Random? A little bit. I didn't know what to think of it. I don't know why she called to tell me that... other than to make me aware... Which I guess, is nice... But really, what I am I supposed to say/do to that? "Okay. Got it." What else do I do besides say "Sorry."? She seemed insulted by the fact that I had expressed sympathy. Should I have just remained silent? If she didn't want to hear that I was sorry about it... well... why did you call? To get me worrying?

I asked my friends about it, and they couldn't put a finger on it either, agreeing with "Why would she call to just tell you that?" Maybe that was exactly it. That's all she wanted me to be, aware? *shrugs*

Meh, anyways. Getting to the point.

She said she might call me back, if I wanted her to. Which I told her I didn't mind, and would pick up if she did. But she never did, and has been absent internet-style for a few days. I left her 2 voice-messages, asking how he was and to pass on my best wishes to him and her family.

Nada.

Now, I worry pretty bad when I worry, and my imagination is not helpful, creating worst-case scenarios in my head. She's 21 now. From what she tells me she's been drinking like an Irishman, and I know the situation can't help that, especially on a weekend. So, that's one worry. Because bad things happen when you drink... etc... not getting into it. On the other hand, I worry the worst for her dad. I liked the guy. He was a bit torn besides himself, but hey, that's not how you're born and it doesn't just happen. People are not angry, sad, or bad for no reason. His heart was in the right place. And sometimes, well, some people have trouble conveying emotions, getting the message out.. And sometimes it get's jarbled/scrambled on it's way. He is a good guy. And hope he pulls through.

So that's been eatin' at me.

It set off that self-realization I had. Was pretty deep, and I don't have a solid hold on it just yet. I realized that I have become really... REALLY... good at suppressing things subconsciously. Well actually, I subconsciously reflect evidence of it. Namely, driving around and around and around until ungodly hours of the morning. Staying up late... Etc... Something still bothers me, and I've come to hide it so well, that even I don't even notice and just accept that I like to just drive around, stay up all night, and mope through the day except when I have a guitar, bat, or camera in hand.

I think something is still rooted deep inside me.
And somehow, I gotta weed it out and throw it away.
And I'm sure it's not just simple, and I'm sure it's NOT just one thing....

All I know is deep inside.
I am restless.

Well... in any case...
I'll keep rockin'...
I'll keep shootin'...
And hope for the best...

My prayers are out there.
If you could lend him one or two,
it would be appreciated...

Thank you.

Couldn't put it better.
Props to the 401 music scene.

===================================================

I’ve been talking to myself but I don’t believe me.
Waking up to nothing new except the ceiling.
Now, keeps getting closer somehow.
People keep on saying that I’ve got potential.
Lately I haven’t been feeling all that special.
Now, I’m gonna turn it around.

Everybody has a moment when they wake up.
Everybody has a morning when they’ve had enough.
Everybody gets to decide what they are gonna believe in.

This is how I feel.
This is where I stand.
This is what I can do,
And this is who I am.
Now I see my face,
Like it was the first time.
I don’t know what’s changed,
But now it feels like mine.
Cause I’ve drawn,
Cause I’ve drawn,
A line in the sand.
I’ve drawn a line in the sand.

I’ve been wearing out my shoes dragging down the sidewalk.
Spending afternoons sleeping at the bus stop.
Now, the hours pass like rain clouds.
People keep on saying that I’m going somewhere.
I tried to buy a map to show me how to get there.
Now, but they said they’d run out.

Everybody put your backs up against the wall.
Everybody this won’t take any time at all.
Everybody may I have your attention please?

This is how I feel.
This is where I stand.
This is what I can do,
And this is who I am.
Now I see my face,
Like it was the first time.
I don’t know what’s changed,
But now it feels like mine.
Cause I’ve drawn,
Cause I’ve drawn,
A line in the sand.
I couldn’t cross it, now I can.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Talk about Karma.
Talk about f***in' Karma, hahaha!

So,
happened to mention my camera problem to Chris today.
He was checkin' up on how I was dealin' with stuff, and well, that's the only thing that's bugged me, and WAS. <--- WAS, as in... PAST TENSE.

You know what he said?
He said he'd hook me up w/ a BRAND spanking new one!
I guess he knows a guy that deals cameras/media, and if I buy it from him, I can return the old one and his buddy can still send it back to get a replacement for him to sell! AND get my $$$ back!

Essentially, fix it for free!

How awesome is that?!
Pretty FREAKIN' AWESOME!
I can't wait to get snapping again.

MAYBE I can get it back before Boston on Thursday.
I promised my cousin, Katie that we'd go up there and shoot some pictures.
If all else fails, my videocamera takes some decent shots... only 4 MP, but all wide-angle, and hell... record the trip, right?

I just gotta figure who else is going,
I'm interested to see how the Crown Vic does on a long trip.
From what Chris tells me, they cruise with almost no effort on the highway due to their weight. So I should get some nice MPG versus taking the Ranger back and forth back in the day. Come to find out, it got HORRIBLE mpg... about 15... Yikes.

Well, I gotta go hit some dingahs at Ryan Paaahk.
See ya.